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February 17th, 2004
01:45 am
Okaydokay.
Guess I can't wait for June. Silly me.
If you see someone new pop up as having added you as a friend, it's probably me.
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February 16th, 2004
10:34 am
Hrm. I think when this livejournal's paid time expires, I'll switch names.
I need a change like that, you know?
To tell the truth, a part of me doesn't really want to leave here. I posted some of the funnay here, and some of the rants, and some of the sad. I've recorded some of my wackier dreams, shared some fond memories, and many of my incredibly odd thoughts.
But there are other parts of me that looks at this and there are this big gaping clues of things I'd rather leave behind.
I've kept this thing from the first moments I started to feel unsure about me and PD way back in 2001, but I managed to keep PD stringing along until just last year because I couldn't be honest with myself. There's evidence of that all through here. I shared it for a time with Brad before I switched out all his entries. I mused about role playing and wanting to start it up again, but now I barely even talk to any of my old role playing buddies. PN died, and while I still have a few friends from there, I sometimes wonder how long those will last knowing how well I keep in touch with people. I finally got over my first love, found my second love, managed the courage I never had before to confess those feelings, and now I have no chance there. I graduated HS and started college.
But now, I want to break old ties. Not all of them, mind you. But I guess I just want to do something that shows I'm going into a next mold.
It's time to break out the thinking cap and consider a new screenname for everything.
This livejournal will still see a few more things, but what? I know that it will see James graduate and get ready to leave for college. It will see some of my summer. It will see, I think, nearly up to or around Alex's birthday.
Then I guess I'm off somewhere new.
Don't worry, when it happens I'll warn ya all. All 2 or 3 of you. =P
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05:48 am
Can you still see your dreams in the distant, starry sky?
Are they more vivid than they were when you were little?
When one forgets to put the emotions that overflow in her heart
to rest, they burn the color of passion.
I used to believe without a doubt that I could reach my dreams, no matter how far off they were.
But that me from long ago now sleeps inside my heart.
Dreams are more fragile and fleeting than a glass rose,
so then why are we destined to dream?
Sometimes two dreams can turn into love,
but there are also times when they can't.
Even when they're alone, people want to share their feelings, but it can be so hard.
Words are powerless to express one's feelings, and sometimes they become a silver knife.
Even when they're alone, people want to share their feelings, but it can be so hard.
Words are powerless to express one's feelings, and sometimes they become a silver knife.
I used to believe without a doubt that I could reach my dreams, no matter how far off they were.
But that me from long ago now sleeps inside my heart.
Current Music: Ayashi No Ceres - Scarlet
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February 15th, 2004
06:29 am
Cos' it's a bittersweet symphony this life...
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die.
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down...
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah.
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold.
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next.
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
Well, I never pray,
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah.
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind , I feel free now.
But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now.
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold.
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
Current Music: Verve pipe - Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve
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06:17 am
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder, I'll return to where we were.
I will go down with this ship, I won't put my hands up and surrender, there will be no white flag above my door, I'm in love and always will be.
And when we meet, as sure we will, all those things will be there still, I'll let it pass and hold my tongue and you will think that I've moved on.
Current Music: Dido (www.bluesash.net) - White Flag (Radio Edit)
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06:11 am
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
You can't make your heart feel something it won't.
Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't. No, you won't.
'Cause I can't make you love me....
....if you don't.
Current Music: Bonnie Rait - I Can't Make You Love Me
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06:10 am
Well, Valentine's has come and gone.
First gift ever.
And the absolute confirmation of giving up on Alex.
That's it, isn't it?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/okay.gif) blank
Current Music: Bonnie Rait - I Can't Make You Love Me
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February 14th, 2004
04:48 pm
All that complaining about being forgotten, and I get my first Valentine's Day gift ever from LK.
o.o;;;
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06:09 am
I was looking through some of my old stuff and came across the letters between me and Dan from awhile ago. Our first year of going out. Stuff I'd printed out and kept.
You know, I bet him $5 we wouldn't end up together and we didn't so I kinda want my $5. =P
I found the letters in a box of old things I've kept. In it, a few letters from people in Oregon, some items that are probably viewable as junk - a bead lizard, two necklaces, some orange string braided together and tied at the ends, a little thing that when you open it has a sticker that says "I love you" and fake bug with big eyes, some amythest and a crystal heart and a small plastic charm in the shape of scissors, an X-mas ornament I made in 1st grade.
It's mostly stuff from Oregon. The only things from Oklahoma are the letters from Dan, and the necklace from him. Oh, and a cross-stitching I did for a Home Ec class (of a mouse that I dubbed Square, my mascot for my old site).
I should go through and take out some stuff - it's slowly become a box of some things I should forget. And I need to find some things to add. Oklahoma things.
You know, it reminds me of that saying. I know I'll butcher the hell out of it, but it's something along the lines of "When I was a child, I thought as a child, I acted as a child, I spoke as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things." It's like my child box. Heh. I should put my baby shoes in there. And a few pictures.
I'll do that eventually.
Also, my blackbox? The most important thing it has in it is my car's title. Otherwise, it has a bunch of Canadian money and some American money I'd rather hoard than spend (a few of the newer gold dollars, a few of the newer silver dollars, a few old pennies, a Mercury dime, three $2 bills.)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/thoughtful.gif) contemplative
Current Music: The Pillows - Rever's Edge
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05:00 am
http://meninhats.com/d/20020807.html
...Aram reminds me of A-chii, a lot.
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February 12th, 2004
07:33 am
Because maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me.
And after all, you're my wonderwall.
Current Music: Oasis - Wonderwall
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06:18 am
There she goes at it again.
I can hear my Mom wailing from here.
Should I feel sorry for her? I stopped after the first 500gazillion fucking times. I could understand it at first, but now I can't. Even when I'm depressed, I don't cry that fucking loud over my woes. She doesn't have to be here if she doesn't want to be. We've never forced her to be anywhere.
If she wants to run away to Korea, I don't care anymore. It's probably better that way.
Current Music: Beatles - I am the walrus
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05:54 am
So, uh... Late New Years Resolution, made in honor of this coming Saturday:
I will not get excited over Valentine's Day, my birthday, or Christmas this year.
That's just like setting myself up for disappointment.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Beatles - I am the walrus
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04:55 am
Well, I guess I don't change much:
INFP. I think that's what I've gotten before on similiar such tests. Somewhere in this journal's history, at least.
Current Music: 06 Britney Spears - In The Zone - Toxic
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February 10th, 2004
03:32 am
I gave up. Again.
But that's that. I have no more cards to play.
It's someone else's turn next.
Current Music: Dido (www.bluesash.net) - White Flag (Radio Edit)
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February 9th, 2004
07:20 am
Compared to James I feel like a nobody.
It seems like every time he gets more handsome, I get more dumpy and plain looking and rotund and pimply. The more he becomes tough, the more I become weak. When he smiles it's perfect, even and correct teeth mostly white, into a cocky grin that just fits, and when I smile I see buckteeth and fat being pushed around into undesirable clumps.
He's thin, his skin is clearing up, he's incredibly intelligent, and not half bad looking.
I just seem to be the opposite.
I get very jealous of him sometimes.
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03:19 am
An old conversation between Brad and Professor Stupid that Brad sent me.
ProfStupid42: Super Loser told me to castrate you...
RetroSmith: oh really?
ProfStupid42: yes
RetroSmith: Now of course, the question is are you going to do it, or aren't you?
ProfStupid42: I do whatever she tells me to do...
RetroSmith: damn, you too huh?
ProfStupid42: Yes...
RetroSmith: all right, get it over with.
ProfStupid42: She asked me to use this spoon
ProfStupid42: it should be a long and painfull process...
RetroSmith: at least she diddn't ask you to use a herring
ProfStupid42: You cannot castrate someone with a herring!
RetroSmith: Sure you can.
RetroSmith: They have teeth.
ProfStupid42: intrigueing conept...
ProfStupid42: *concept
RetroSmith: Just don't tell her that.
ProfStupid42: Oh I will...
RetroSmith: *sighs*
ProfStupid42: she gives her approval...
ProfStupid42: Now where can I find a herring at this time of night...
RetroSmith: So much for being her sex slave...Try Hy-Vee, our local 24 hour grocer.
ProfStupid42: 24 hour grocer?
ProfStupid42: I've never seen such a thing!
RetroSmith: grocery store = grocer
ProfStupid42: I know that you fool!
ProfStupid42: Fetch me my walking stick!
RetroSmith: A fool you say?
ProfStupid42: yes, a fool I say!
RetroSmith: Why you peon! I will fong the living daylights out of you!
ProfStupid42: I'd like to see you try, whiper-snapper!
RetroSmith: I know the ancient Iowan art of Corn Detassling Martial Arts!
ProfStupid42: I know the ancient and all-powerful Wang Fu!
RetroSmith: uh oh...The anti-thesis to my art! *screams like a girl*
ProfStupid42: Hmmm... sounds like you've alerady been castrated...
RetroSmith: *looks down pants* No, I don't believe so.
RetroSmith: You know, I decided I shoudl have said yes, and I would not have to be castrated.
ProfStupid42: Yeah, but you're too much of an idiot for that...
RetroSmith: I'm not the Professor of Stupidity
ProfStupid42: I know, that's me...
ProfStupid42: You failed stupid college
RetroSmith: I hold my doctorate in the Making Super Loser Hate Me field
ProfStupid42: ME TOO!
RetroSmith: Really? What graduating year?
ProfStupid42: '85
RetroSmith: wow, I graduated a year and a half ago.
RetroSmith: err 2 and a half
ProfStupid42: Pfft...I graduated the day I was born...
RetroSmith: I couldn't graduate until I met her! Some stupid rule they must have gotten rid of after '84
ProfStupid42: Ahh...
RetroSmith: Now that I have gotten you off the subject of castrating me, do you have any minors?
ProfStupid42: The art of love making for one...
RetroSmith: really?
ProfStupid42: Oh yes...
RetroSmith: I majored in that
ProfStupid42: ...
RetroSmith: in fact I'm studyign for a third major
ProfStupid42: the art of the three dots was my major...
ProfStupid42: ...
RetroSmith: that's impressive
ProfStupid42: I know...
RetroSmith: I use those dots all the time, but not nearly with the precision you have got.
ProfStupid42: I know, I'm an expert, aren't I?
ProfStupid42: ...
RetroSmith: .. .
ProfStupid42: *laughs at pitiful three-dot powers*
RetroSmith: . . .
RetroSmith: ..:
RetroSmith: I can't do it!
ProfStupid42: So, Super Loser tells me you're gay...how's that working out for ya?
RetroSmith: Nto too bad ac...HEY! I'm not!
RetroSmith: *Not
ProfStupid42: No need to deny it...
RetroSmith: but I'm not!
ProfStupid42: Whatever you say, queenie...
RetroSmith: Rat is my Sex Queen, how could I be gay?
ProfStupid42: ...
ProfStupid42: strap-ons perhaps?
RetroSmith: but I wouldn't really be gay, is she's a she.
ProfStupid42: If you were to take it up the ass by a shemale, I'd call you gay...
RetroSmith: I never said up the ass!
ProfStupid42: ...
RetroSmith: I am not GAY!
ProfStupid42: If you were to suck off a shemale, I'd get turned on...I mean I'd call you gay...
RetroSmith: you would?
RetroSmith: Err...I don't wanna know!
ProfStupid42: Whatever you say, girlfriend...
RetroSmith: Preach on brother! I mean..NO!
ProfStupid42: What did youu give Rat for her birthday?
ProfStupid42: I offered oral sex, but she declined...
RetroSmith: Well, first she wanted nude pictures.
RetroSmith: but I didn't have a poloroid camera
ProfStupid42: ...
RetroSmith: then I couldn't hook up my microphone to talk to her
RetroSmith: so I'm still waiting for her to tell me what she wants
ProfStupid42: If I had a camera or a scanner or a webcam or a digicam or anything, I'd have given her nude pics of me(against her will ofcourse) long ago...
RetroSmith: well, I can't give them to her against her will, because I am her sex slave
ProfStupid42: She knows she wants me...she just doesn't know it yet...
RetroSmith: I believe the second know, shoudl eb realize
RetroSmith: should be
ProfStupid42: M'eh...
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03:18 am
I will bold what I think I have. And I will italicize what I really really need.
A Woman Should Have:
...one old love she can imagine
going back to... and one who reminds
her how far she has come...
...enough money within her
control to move out and rent a place
of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...
...something perfect to wear if
the employer or date of her dreams
wants to see her in an hour...
...a youth she's content to
leave behind...
...a past juicy enough that
she's looking forward to retelling it
in her old age...
...a set of screwdrivers, a
cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
...one friend who always makes
her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
...a good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone else
in her family...
...eight matching plates, wine
glasses with stems, and a recipe
for a meal that will make her
guests feel honored..
...a feeling of control over
her destiny...
Every Woman Should know...
...how to fall in love without
losing herself...
...how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend
without ruining the friendship...
...when to try harder... and
when to walk away...
...that she can't change the
length of her calves, the width of
her hips, or the nature of her
parents...
...that her childhood may not
have been perfect... but its over...
...what she would and wouldn't
do for love or more...
...how to live alone... even if
she doesn't like it...
...whom she can trust, whom she
can't, and why she shouldn't take
it personally...
..where to go... be it to her
best friend's kitchen table... or a
charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
...what she can and can't
accomplish in a day... a month...and
a year...
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03:13 am
Looking through text files with old test results saved.
Anyhow, this is from a religious test taken a long time ago. I have no clue if it would still hold up with the same results, and I don't even know what my 100% result is from that time.
1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Neo-Paganism (87%)
3. Liberal Quaker (84%)
4. Bah?'? (83%)
5. Mahayana Buddhism (81%)
6. Reform Judaism (81%)
7. Jainism (73%)
8. New Age (72%)
9. Secular Humanism (71%)
10. Sikhism (70%)
11. Theravada Buddhism (68%)
12. Orthodox Judaism (64%)
13. Hinduism (63%)
14. Islam (63%)
15. Liberal Protestant (57%)
16. New Thought (55%)
17. Scientology (55%)
18. Atheism and Agnosticism (53%)
19. Taoism (48%)
20. Orthodox Quaker (46%)
21. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (41%)
22. Conservative Protestant (22%)
23. Latter-day Saint (Mormon) (13%)
24. Seventh Day Adventist (10%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (9%)
26. Roman Catholic (9%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (6%)
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